Once and Future
by OceansAria
Summary: Queen Guinevere receives horrible news . . . and then has to deliver some of her own. ***(Beware: Season 5 Finale Spoilers)***


_He's gone,_ my hollow heart seemed to echo the words throughout my whole body. _Arthur is gone._

I felt like my insides were crumbling. I literally couldn't breathe. Multicolored spots flashed by my vision and I clutched my stomach to stop myself from vomiting all over the pristine white marble floors.

"My Lady?" Merlin reached out to steady me. His hand was firm and strong on my arm, but not reassuring. "Guinevere, are you all right?"

I shook my head slowly. The contents of the small breakfast I'd eaten just an hour before were threatening to make a reapperance all over Merlin's leather boots. Tears, hot and bothersome, itched at the back of my eyes. Merlin's worried gaze stayed on my face as he helped me lean against a wall to keep me from collapsing.

I brushed away the few tears that had slipped out. "Oh God, Gaius," I gasped. "He'll never know, now."

Gaius raised an eyebrow, stepping forward cautiously. "Know what, my Lady?" When I didn't reply right away, he touched my hand gently. "Do you need to lay down? I'll escort you to your chambers and mix you a draught -"

"No!" I screeched. My head was spinning faster and faster. My heart was thundering in my chest. Merlin and Gaius gaped at me. I lowered my voice to an apologetic tone, "No, Gaius. I need to tell you something."

"What is it, Gwen?" His hand tightened on mine. I grabbed onto his arthritic fingers like a lifeline in a sea of despair.

Taking a deep breath to calm myself, to help force out the words that had loomed over me for so long. I focused my eyes on the old healer's piercing gray pair. My voice trembled as I whispered, "Gaius, I'm _late._" I swallowed to try and wet my sandpaper tongue. "Like two months late."

"Late for what?" Merlin questioned, his eyebrows knitted.

Gaius realized what I meant first. He stumbled back, his jaw dropping in barely-contained horror. "Oh, Guinevere . . . _no_ . . ."

The tears were running like tiny, sorrowful rivers down my face now. I nodded gravely. Gaius's whole face went slack and he looked like someone had run him through with a sword, and he'd found the tip sticking out of his chest.

Merlin was still confused. He jostled my arm, which I had forgotten that he was still grasping. "Gwen, what are you _talking _about?"

I lifted my right hand to my face, uncurled my fingers, and stared solemnly down at the silver ring glinting in the morning sunlight flooding the corridor. The crest of Camelot shone back up at me like a punch in the gut. I brushed my lips across the ring. I glanced up at Merlin, his blue eyes so full of raw concern.

With my free hand, I reached out and took Merlin's and placed it on my seemingly flat stomach. Beneath the thick folds of my rich red dress, no one would have noticed the tiny bump forming there - the bump containing a new life.

"I'm pregnant," I murmured.

All of the color drained from his rosy face. He jerked his hand back and shook his head. Fresh tears welled up in his eyes. He'd just buried his best friend and King, and now I was dumping this on him like a pile of bricks. "You're - you _can't_ be -" He clamped his mouth shut and just stood there, frozen, like a statue.

I sobbed openly, ringing the folds of my skirt in my hands. "Oh, Merlin. I was going to tell him! I swear I was! I just had this strong notion that he _would_ return. I didn't want to tell him until I was sure, and then the war came upon us, and if I told him before he went on the battlefield, he would've been distracted!" I wanted to block out the world andall its horrors. My shoulders shuddered. "If Arthur had known that I was pregnant, you _know_ that he would have never gone into battle, and Camelot would be overthrown and everyone would be dead!"

Merlin's large hand cupped my shoulders. He growled, "Yes, Gwen, but he would've lived to see his child be born."

"_No_," I protested. "Arthur would've never been that selfish. He would've gone into battle no matter what. You, Merlin, of all people, know that."

He sighed deeply. "You're right."

Suddenly, his face started to blur in my line of vision. I felt woozy and nauseous. My heart was thudding sickly in my chest. I felt myself being pulled towards a piercing darkness.

Oh, God. The pain that came with the darkness. Unbearable, ripping, shredding me from the inside out. All I could think about was Arthur - my wonderful, courageous, handsome Arthur. How he said my name. How he kissed me with such tenderness, I melted under his touch. How he smiled at me every morning when we woke up, safe in each other's arms, blessesd with another day together on the earth. How he faced his fears head on, even when he knew the consequences.

_Arthur,_ I thought weakly, hearing Merlin's voice in the distance, calling my name urgently. _Arthur, I'm so sorry. I wanted to tell you! If you're out there, please listen. I still love you more than anything in this world. I only hope that from where you are, in Heaven or Avalon, that your spirit can watch over your child - _our _child. _

_I can't wait to see you again._

Then I was sucked back into reality with a mind-shattering _boom,_ and Merlin caught me as my black, consuming, overwhelming grief took its toll on my heart.


End file.
